All That Matters

As a little girl, I wanted to become an astronaut. I was fascinated with space, but I learned pretty quickly it would be  unlikely for me to become one. Besides, space camp was too ekspensiv. I decided my new answer to the growing up question would be “an artist.”

Yep, I’m going to be an artist. “But artists don’t make money until they are dead,” said my friend. Oh.

“You should be a teacher,” said my parents and uh … my teacher. Okay fine, I guess I’ll be a teacher, but I’d still rather be an astronaut or an artist.

Fast forward to 2010 and I’m sitting in the passenger seat of our mini van, talking once again about doing something that actually mattered. I guess I didn’t see the beauty in scrubbing toilets and wiping bottoms. But those things did matter. Being a mom mattered. It still matters.

I thought I would find my purpose and calling in a college setting.

“What about becoming a teacher?” said my husband. “It’s the perfect job for a mom.” But I don’t want to be a teacher. The following year, I applied for a degree in Media & Communication at UW and made it in. Later, I became interested in Society, Ethics & Human Behavior but rather than switching gears, I went for both. I graduated in June 2013.

Fast forward to May of the next year and I’m applying for the local school district to become … a teacher. Well not exactly, more like a fill-in one. I’m going on my fourth year as a substitute and let me just say it’s high on the list of character building type jobs. You put up with a lot as a teacher, but especially as a sub.

I often ask myself these questions: Does this matter? Am I even making a difference? Do I matter?

That’s the million dollar question, the one I’ve been striving to find an answer to since I was a little girl fascinated by things I couldn’t understand. Who am I? What am I here for?

I used to feel inadequate as a person (still do most days), but it doesn’t matter what I’m DOING or trying to do, but WHO I AM, mostly who I am to God.

On earthly terms, I am a mom, a wife, a scrubber of toilets, a fill-in and many times “just a volunteer.” But if you look at the big picture, ya’ know, the one from outer space, I am a DAUGHTER to the one who created the actual moon and stars. I’d say that’s better than becoming an astronaut or an artist.

He’s the one who reminds me I actually do matter and that’s all that matters.

He thinks you matter too.