Dependency. I’ve always struggled in that area. It’s the whole idea of not NEEDing help because I can do it myself. As a child, I could tie my shoes, pick out my own clothes (didn’t care if they didn’t match). I could color and cut and paste my own projects. I could even brush my own hair (although I rarely ever did). I didn’t want or need anyone else’s help. Some of it was because of my stubbornness. Mostly, I just wanted to be able to do all the things.
I think it was my way of showing myself and others I am capable, I am smart. I can do things. I liked hearing good job because maybe it meant I was actually GOOD. I still secretly like hearing that (even though I’ll rarely admit it) but I know now it has nothing to do with my actual goodness.
I still struggle with stubbornness or perhaps it is PRIDE. Eek, I hate that word, but I think I need more humility in my life. I’m discovering dependency is a large part of that.
Dependency. It’s still really hard for me. I often tell myself that I don’t need ANYone but I know it’s not entirely true. One thing I know for certain is I DO need God, and not just to help me with the things he calls me to, but to help me in my everyday actual life as a human person, wife + mom, substitute teacher and especially as a coordinator for a ministry to teen moms.
When you say YES to God and step into ministry, it is truly a trust thing. I keep having to remind myself that He knows my needs. He sees all that is happening. He sees me and he’s sees his daughters. I don’t have to try to convince anyone of anything. He can and will compel others to join the invitation, to be a part of the mission.
The key word is invitation. There will be many who will not respond, many who will say no, and a few who will say yes. I will have to keep asking, keep inviting, keep depending on him, keep trusting. It’s gotta be an ongoing, even daily thing, but sometimes it’s discouraging.
I know it’s just part of the growing process, but it’s a huge struggle for me–this dependency thing.
I keep asking God to help me to be brave and humble (and while I’m at it, kind) and to allow dependency to become part of who I am. Like I’ve said before, I’m good at DOing and EARNing, but not so good at ASKing and depending on others. He is working on my heart in that.
A few years back, I told my counselor I don’t like depending on others. She said, “but dependency is just a part of life. We need each other, we were wired to depend on each other, but mostly on God.” I guess that’s true and in that case, I don’t necessarily want to be independent.
I want to be able to say Look what God has done! Look at what He is doing! because of HIS goodness and HIS strength. Not because of me and what I can do. Sure, I am capable, I am smart. I can do things, but I definitely cannot do ALL THE THINGS, not in the miraculous way that God can.